How to Say “That Thing You Did Was Racist”
Whew. White supremacy has been on one.
I mean it’s been on one since white people made up race and made up whiteness and decided the best “race” the white one but it’s really been on display lately. I’ve had a few instances recently where I’ve needed to call-in someone for saying something racist.
You know how these conversations go. The person gets super defensive, the whole thing escalates, suddenly you’re in this existential crisis with someone who hasn’t confronted their own internalized oppression/privilege and now you are questioning your choice of sobriety.
Just me? Okay, well, sometime in the 2000s, I watched this great video from Jay Smooth. In it, he talks about the difference between calling someone racist and calling out what they said as “sounding racist.”
This is helpful because even though all white people are racist (even us mothers with biracial babies!), it hurts to admit it.
I mean, white supremacy just hurts. It sucks for everyone.
And when someone shines a light on our pain, we deploy all the coping mechanisms: resisting, reacting, blame, etc. We want to avoid the discomfort so hard that we resort to saying stuff like, “I have black friends” etc.
Basically, we’re gonna need all the tools we can get to dismantle white supremacy, so here’s an analogy I like to use.
You’ve got spinach in your teeth.
It’s embarrassing. It’s awkward for you and it’s awkward for me to tell you about it. But the truth is if I was walking around with spinach in MY teeth and you didn’t tell me about it? I would think you hate me. You can’t possibly care about me AND let me be out in the world with spinach in my teeth.
Google: spinach teeth right now and you will find photos of Nick Jonus performing with spinach in his teeth. Someone let him go on stage like that.
If I love someone, I tell them when they are walking around with shit in their teeth and I tell them when they are saying stupid racist shit. That’s it. That’s how I say it.
Me: Listen, if I was walking around with spinach in my teeth would you tell me?
Them : Of course
Me: Okay good, I would tell you too and because we have each other’s backs, I’m just gonna tell you right now. That thing you said? [INSERT THING] That was some racist bullshit and I don’t think you want to practice racism so I’m letting you know.
I’m not getting the spinach out for you.
It’s possible that the person will still blow up and be defensive. That’s okay. If you REALLY care about them (like they are Dressing Room or Main Stage folks) you might engage and help them get to an insight that will lead to lasting change.
If they are just General Admission folks, and especially if you are POC, you get to decide if you want to continue. You don’t have to. Your job is just to point it out. “YOU HAVE SPINACH IN YOUR TEETH.” That’s it. You don’t need to get it out for them. You don’t need to help them figure out where it came from or give a lesson in flossing.
And I’m not going to post about it.
The main thing is that calling out racism, homophobia, ableism, sexism, or any other expression of the dominant culture that continues to uphold oppressive structures, should be an ordinary-good-looking-out type thing. You discreetly tell the person and then go about your business. You don’t need to make a scene. You don’t need to go on a Facebook rant about it. You need to hold the person accountable and move on.
Or at least, that’s how I approach it. I don’t believe in shaming and canceling. I believe in empathy and evolution. I don’t think we can dismantle oppressive, supremacist structures with the same practices used to build them. We need liberating practices. We need pocket-sized tools we can carry around and feel confident we’ll no how to use when the time is right.